How Thanksgiving Affects Me

As I’ve mentioned before, I have social anxiety. With my social anxiety, it doesn’t matter who it is. To me a stranger can cause the same reaction as one of my own family members, depending on the situation I’m put in.

So with that being said, Thanksgiving isn’t one of my favorite holidays. Let me explain why. On Thanksgiving Day, my household family and my extended family, including my second cousins and people who are honorary family members, all gather at my aunt’s house because it’s the only place that can fit about 40-50 people.

(That’s right 40-50 people. It looks like a sea of people. You can’t see the other side of the room.)

By that statement alone, it probably makes sense why my social anxiety is triggered on Thanksgiving. So the hardest part is sitting at one of 4 tables with at least 10 other people, mixed with people that I’m close to and that I only see on Thanksgiving Day. Then add on the many family members that ask personal questions and tell you rumors they heard about you from someone else.

(It’s just a headache…)

I remember last year I sat in the corner on the couch until food was ready and no one knew I was there unless they walked by me. It’s what I plan on doing this year.

Now here’s the criticism I face my mother by doing this. “You never see these people, why can’t you just smile and listen to what they have to say.” The phrase “smile and listen” is something I hate just as much as when people say “humor me.” I reached a point in my life where I can no longer stay silent and smile when I feel uncomfortable. The thought makes me sick.

So maybe I’m a little defiant but I’m not going to make myself sick to please others.

I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I can understand my mental health and what makes me feel the way I do. I’m also at the point where I can’t continue to constantly run myself into the ground by doing things for others.

Not to sound like I’m making excuses, but I don’t have time to focus on myself.

I work two jobs, technically three, and I’m still working on my bachelor’s degree. So there are many times in a week, and sometimes in a day, when I want to cry because of the stress I’m putting myself through. I don’t want to quit anything but I’ve reached a point where my priorities are exclusively what I want.

So this year against my family’s wishes, I’ll attend Thanksgiving dinner, but I’ll be in the corner on the couch trying to keep my head from exploding and my emotions contained.

Because this is the best decision I’ve made for myself in a long time.